Marriage is more than love and attraction. It is about faith, character, trust, responsibility and building a life together. These questions are designed for couples considering marriage.
Faith and Values
1. What does being a good person of your faith mean to you? What do you believe your responsibilities are towards your spouse in your faith?
2. How important is your religion in your daily life? How do you practice your faith, and what role would you expect to have in our home?
3. What would you do if we disagreed about a religious matter? Would you listen to my perspective?
4. How would you support me if my faith became weaker or I struggled spiritually? Would you offer patience and encouragement, or would you criticize me?
5. What religious values would you want us to teach our children? How would we approach prayer, religious education, modesty and other aspects of faith?
Character and emotional wellbeing
6. How do you behave when you are angry? Do you need space, raise your voice, withdraw, get quiet and ignore, or try to resolve the problem calmly?
7. How do you handle being told that you are wrong? Can you apologise and accept responsibility for your mistakes?
8. What does respect look like to you in a marriage? How should we speak to each other when we are upset or disappointed?
9. How would you react if I disagreed with you? Would you respect my right to express an opinion, even when it differs from yours?
10. What would you consider unacceptable behaviour from a spouse? Discuss insults, intimidation, threats, controlling behaviour, physical violence and emotional manipulation.
Roles, rights and expectations
11. What do you believe are the rights and responsibilities of a husband and wife according to their faith, culture, and personal family traditions? How would we balance these responsibilities fairly in our circumstances?
12. What are your expectations about household chores and daily responsibilities? Who would cook, clean, shop and manage the home?
13. Would you expect your spouse to work, study or stay at home? What would happen if their wishes or circumstances changed?
14. How would we make important decisions? Would we discuss finances, moving house, children and other major decisions together?
15. What are your expectations regarding privacy and personal freedom? Would we each have time for our own interests, friendships and family relationships?
Money, family and children
16. How do you manage money, and do you have any debts? What are your spending habits, financial obligations and expectations about providing for the household?
17. What are your expectations regarding mahr and the marriage contract? Are there any conditions or financial arrangements we need to discuss before marriage?
18. How involved do you expect your family to be in our marriage? What boundaries would we set if relatives interfered or treated one of us unfairly?
19. Do you want children, and how would we raise them? Discuss parenting, discipline, education, childcare and what would happen if having children proved difficult.
20. What would happen if one of us became ill, disabled or unable to work? How would we share caregiving, financial responsibilities and emotional support?
Trust, intimacy and the future
21. What are your expectations regarding affection and intimacy? Can we communicate openly about emotional needs, boundaries, consent and mutual comfort?
22. What does loyalty mean to you? What boundaries should we agree on regarding friendships, social media, messaging other people and contact with former partners?
23. For a potential Husband: Would you consider taking another wife, and what are your views on polygyny? If relevant, discuss this honestly before marriage rather than assuming you both share the same expectations.
24. How would you handle a serious disagreement if we could not resolve it ourselves? Would you consider counselling, mediation or seeking advice from a trustworthy, qualified person?
25. What are you most afraid of in marriage, and what do you need from your spouse to feel safe and loved? What past experiences, expectations or concerns should we understand about each other before committing?
Before you marry, pay attention to more than the answers
A person may know all the right words but still behave in ways that are harmful. Notice whether their actions match what they say.
Watch how they handle disagreement. Do they remain respectful, or punish you for having a different opinion?
Notice how they treat people with less power. Their behaviour towards relatives, workers, strangers and vulnerable people can reveal a great deal.
Discuss difficult subjects before committing. Money, children, living arrangements, family boundaries and polygyny should not be left to assumptions.
Seek trustworthy advice. A qualified marriage counsellor or knowledgeable, balanced religious adviser can help you discuss rights and responsibilities.
Take controlling behaviour seriously. Threats, intimidation, isolation from loved ones and using religion to justify mistreatment are not things you should dismiss.